Summer is over. On August 20th, I hugged goodbyes to the final group of techs, and less than 48 hours later, I hugged my fellow summer staff goodbye as well. It's strange thinking back on all the anticipation I felt before the summer and thinking that all those stories and memories and friendships I looked forward to are now in my past. It's also strange trying to put an answer into words for everyone who continually asks, "So how was your summer?" I always feel like that's a terrible trick question. So much happened this summer, and I feel like I've just lived in a different world and become a different person in the last twelve weeks. I can tell stories for hours of that process, but how do I even attempt to explain all that in thirty seconds? No one's really looking for a two hour answer, are they?
My expectations going into the summer were not met. In many cases, they were far, far exceeded. God had so many surprises and lessons for me this summer that I couldn't have even dreamed when I was packing this spring. So in this blog post, I'm going to attempt to, without going into too many details and making this a book, explain what God did this summer in terms of my expectations.
My first expectation was that I would hate four weeks of my summer. Why? Because those would be the weeks I was to counsel the technicians-the volunteer high school girl workers. I didn't want to counsel high school girls, especially not in a work program. I expected to be bored out of my mind, tired, and the most boring, joyless tech counselor ever. I didn't expect to get to see God work in the techs at all. Then I expected to switch to camper counseling, get the junior highers I loved so dearly, and have an amazing rest of the summer enjoying them, and seeing God do really cool things in their lives. God shattered that expectation into a million pieces!
The first week of workshop was really overwhelming. I realized all I had really signed up for by agreeing to tech counsel four weeks, and I kept thinking that I'd just made the dumbest decision of my life. All my expectations before summer of what tech counseling would be like were further cemented deeper into my mind as I read through manuals, surveyed pages of checklists, looked over work schedules, and started hours of on-the-job training. A couple days into the first week, I had my first emotional breakdown. I left the dining hall one night after dinner clean up fighting back tears. One phrase kept running through my mind: "I can't do this!" I felt so ill-prepared to counsel high school girls, so impossibly lost when it came to knowing how to run a kitchen (which I still hadn't realized by that point that I didn't really need to know how to do!), and I just missed my sisters terribly, and felt like I wasn't getting to know any of the girl counselors at all (more on both of those points later!). I decided it was time to call home.
Well, I called Sarah, but she unfortunately was at youth group, and couldn't really talk. That's when I really lost it and just started crying and praying. "God, I can't do this!" I cried. "I'm not energetic enough, cool enough, or smart enough to tech counsel. I'm so insufficient for this job, and nobody else even realizes it yet. What am I supposed to do?" But then, I felt like God was telling me, "You're right, you can't do this." At the same moment, a verse popped into my mind: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (2 Corinthians 12:9)
I knew that verse before, but that night, God really helped me to "know" it with more than just my head; it spoke right to my heart. I couldn't do all those things I was so concerned about, and that was good! Otherwise I could rely on and boast in myself. I didn't have to remember everything perfectly. I didn't have to counsel perfectly or have perfect energy or joy or enthusiasm. Christ was sufficient in every area that I was insufficient, and He would give me all strength right when I needed it!
There were other tough moments in workshop, but none of them really stemmed from feeling a lack of insufficiency, cuz any time those feelings started to creep in, I fought them with the Scripture God had given me...or sometimes, I just grabbed the nearest vacuum and sang "Joy is the Flag" really loudly as I vacuumed!
The first week of techs God worked in some really incredible ways. I got sick, so I shouldn't have had any energy or joy or strength, but God's grace was SO sufficient for me! I felt like I was on a lemonade high all week and just had extra joy and energy exuding out of me! The one-on-ones I was so nervous about ended up becoming my very favorite part of the week as I got to really listen and talk through some serious life issues with my girls! And even though I was so worried God wouldn't show up and work in the techs lives like he had in my campers' the year before, He did! He did some really, really cool things that week that were totally from Him, and not from me or the other tech counselors at all. God blew me away by his amazing awesomeness and power that week and the ones that followed!
The second part of my first expectation, was that I expected to be desperate to switch back to camper counseling, and end up having a bunch of junior high tribes that I just had a blast with and got to see God really work in their lives. Yeah. I was supposed to switch back to camper counseling week three, but by the end of week two, I started feeling like I COULDN'T switch. I was having SO much fun with the techs and having SO many good one-on-ones and God was working in so many cool ways, that I began to dread camper counseling. But camp wouldn't let us have three tech counselors, so the following Monday, I moved out of Railside, the building I had become so attached to, and moved into Pine, the cabin I counseled three weeks in last summer, and had been wanting (before the summer) to counsel in all summer again.
I'm not proud of my attitude that day. I don't think too many people really noticed it or even got to see it, since I kinda just withdrew to try and handle things myself, but obviously, that never works. I couldn't believe the feelings I felt-that those techs belonged to me, and that I didn't want junior highers anymore at all. I felt so ill-prepared suddenly for camper counseling. I didn't have tribe talks prepared, and I felt like I didn't have my heart prepared, either-I felt like it was still with the techs in the STEP program. I got my campers, and the first several days, I just felt distracted. I wanted to be on the other side of the serving line. I wanted to be the one packing crates rather than the one receiving one on my overnight. I wanted to stand in the kitchen and be able to step out during meals and give the other girl counselors hugs and encourage them, or take a minute and write them an encouraging note, but now, I was that camper counselor, and I didn't like it. But then I had my one-on-one with another staff member, and she called me out on my behavior. I sat shocked that someone else had noticed, cuz I thought I'd been doing an ok job hiding my feelings from everyone else.
But that's when God really started working in my heart and showing me areas of pride that were there that needed to be torn down, and barriers I had placed up in my heart that were not allowing God to work. I guess God showed me that week that I didn't deserve to see him work at all. I had surrendered myself to him as His vessel to work through, and now I was complaining about what He was using me for, and that He wasn't really using me at all. I didn't see him working in my girls, and I never did much at the end of the week, either, but that wasn't my job to really worry about; it was His. My job was to be faithful to be "all there" wherever He placed me, even when I couldn't see Him working and seemingly had a tribe of mostly unchurched, disinterested girls.
I think I learned more that week than my campers, and God really brought me to a breaking point where I realized I needed Him camper counseling just as much as I needed Him tech counseling. I somehow had this false sense of superiority-thinking I was a good camper counselor and knew more than anyone else, and didn't really need God's help. God showed me just how wrong I was that week. I won't say that the next several weeks weren't a challenge as a camper counselor, and that I didn't struggle again with missing the techs, but God definitely did bring me to a place where by His grace, I was able to open my heart to love my campers and be there with them, more than just in body, but in heart, too. And I DID get to see Him work in their lives. In less subtle ways than I hoped, but I could see Him working in and softening their hearts, and making them question their own beliefs, actions and motives.
Another expectation I had for the summer, was that it would be like last summer, and I would get to know all the other girl counselors super well, and have a blast with them. That was one of the hardest parts of workshop for me-I didn't see the other girl counselors much, yet I knew I would spend five weeks camper counseling with them, and that was hard for me to accept. I knew they would all know each other well by the time I entered their world, and I probably would never become as close with them as I had with last year's counselors. But God taught me so much through that experience as well. HE was enough for me, and He had given me friendships with the other tech counselors, which I was so grateful for! I did end up having fun with and getting to know some of the other girl counselors, but I'll admit it wasn't until around week 6. But God's planning and timing in it were perfect, and He taught me to trust Him in it!
A third expectation I had for the summer was that I wouldn't miss Alisha as much as everyone was saying I would. Like, I knew I would miss her, but I didn't think it would be a huge deal. The "girl" sessions in workshop were tough for me, cuz Alisha had done them the previous two years, and they were done differently this year. Not wrong or bad, just differently, and that made me miss Alisha. Vespers made me miss her too, cuz she would always lead music. I never realized how much I took having a sister around for ganted until I spent a summer without sisters. Now I know what it's like, and have grown in my gratitude to God for such incredible sisters!
I think those are all the shattered expectations I had, but there were still several surprising things God taught me. The first was that prayer is so powerful! I prayed more this summer than I ever have, and I prayed more with other people than I definitely ever was used to, and you know what? Prayer doesn't always change circumstances (although I DEFINITELY saw it happen SO many times this summer, praise God!), but it does change us. God changed me through prayer. He taught me how completely dependent I am on Him for everything, and He deepened my relationships with Him and those I prayed with when I prayed. There's just something about coming to God and admitting that you and the person you're praying with can't do anything to change circumstances, but that HE can, then seeing Him do cool things in others' and your own life that deepens your trust in God!
Another cool thing God taught me that I already knew (I think I already 'knew' all of this with my head before, but my heart grew to really 'know' all this this summer) was that I really can do nothing, but God is the only one who can really work and change things. There were so many times when I sat recounting a story to someone of something that had just happened, and we both had to just stare at each other and go, "Whoa, that was TOTALLY God! I did not do that!" Like, I can present truth-I can share the gospel, I can pray, I can be faithful to point to Christ-but unless God shows up and does a MIRACLE (which is really what happens when God changes a heart, cuz I've tried, and I can't change my own or others' hearts), we're hopeless to see any change.
Before this last summer I had never really sat and thought through how completely ridiculous and foolish and confusing Christianity must seem to unbelievers. "For the message of the cross is folishness to those who are perishing, but to thos who are being ssved, it is the power of God...we preach Christ crucified, to the Jews, a stumbling block and to the Greeks, foolishness, but to those who are called...the power of God and the wisdom of God." (1 Corinthians 1:18,23-24)
I attended a Catholic mass this last Sunday, and I began to understand what people must think and feel when they attend our church for the first time. I felt awkward walking in. Was I dressed right? Was I supposed to seat myself, or was that guy in a robe at the door supposed to seat me? Was there supposed to be a bulletin I picked up to tell me how to act or what to say or do in service? Then the service began and I noticed two books in front of me. I tried to figure out how to use them and figure out what was going on in the service. Then there were all the random times we sat, stood, or kneeled when I just had to follow what people around me were doing, and feel dumb for not knowing what was going on. The congregation said certain things back to the priest, and I obviously didn't know what or when to say anything. Then there was the "showing a sign of peace" to others thing. Was I supposed to shake people's hands? Was there a rule about whose hands to shake and whose not to? Was I supposed to say something special?I hoped they didn't expect me to kiss anyone! Did they all notice I was new, and were they staring at me cuz I didn't know what I was doing? And of course, when they started singing, I didn't know the songs. Oh, and communion, or whatever they call it...that was just weird and gross, and I wasn't even gonna try to participate in that.
Afterwards, the priest asked our group what questions we had. I had so many, but I didn't know how to word them without sounding dumb, cuz I didn't even know what terms to use to ask about things, so I just remained silent most of the time. It was all seemingly just a bunch of rules and words that seemed impossible to memorize, and what was the point anyways?
That really opened my eyes to what people must feel when hearing the gospel. It sounds foolish! "What's the catch?" I heard so many times this summer. "That's [the gospel] too easy! If my sin really is so deathly serious that God will separate me from Him for eternity over it, and there really is nothing good I can do to get rid of my sin, and Jesus really did die for my sins, and the gift of eternal life really is free, why wouldn't everybody just take it? There's gotta be a catch somewhere. It can't just be free." And it isn't! The catch is that somebody has to pay for the sin. Praise God that Jesus paid it all! Salvation is free for us! All those "rules" that seem so confusing and foolishness to those who are perishing are, in all reality, the joyful and grateful response of a heart that has been changed by the Holy Spirit! He and He alone can produce that change and provide that understanding, and apart from Him crashing in on someone's heart and life, they'll stay lost. That's what makes Salvation such a miracle-only God can do it!
One final cool thing God did was change my heart in relation to working with teens. As I already mentioned, I didn't want anything to do with high schoolers at the beginning of summer. I was content at my church working with the Preschool-Kindergarten Sunday School class, and being a Sparks leader. I didn't wanna work with teens. But by the end of week two, I started feeling this change in my heart, and I began asking myself, "How can I go home and NOT work with teens in the youth group?" By the end of summer, it became a burning passion of mine. I NEEDED to work with teens. God was burdening my heart for them.
I realized so many things about teens this summer, and was repeatedly shocked that the majority of parents were not involved or interested in their teens' spiritual lives, nor were their churches teaching truth to teens, but only providing entertainment. I was saddened by the number of teens that weren't really "connected" to a local church. They either didn't attend at all, or (the majority) they did, but church to them was kinda just something they did on Sunday mornings. Their 'faith' was not their own, but their parents', and there was no real connection between them and their church. It was kinda like going and watching a sports game to them. So many more than I expected didn't have that knowledge of and love for God and His Word.
Most of my Jr./Sr. Highers this summer completely "got" all the moralistic teaching in chapel and tribe talks, but it was so sad to see that when I got them one-on-one and tried to get them to explain the gospel to me and their relationship with God, they had no clue what I was talking about, or their version of the gospel was boiled down to either works-based Salvation or simple belief in God's existence.
My eyes were also opened to the struggles teens in this generation really are facing, particularly at home where so many of them don't live with both parents, or where there is a constant battleground where the teen feels the parents don't understand the struggles they're going through and can't relate to them at all. There are also so many pressures that accompany school life and their peers. The pressure to perform well academically as well as in sports is so intense, some of them just cave under the weight then turn to things other than God to fill the hurt and cover up the pressure they feel, while others push themselves, taking whatever shortcuts they can find to get what they want.
I listened to and talked through so many issues this summer with teens. Boys, physical appearance, boys, why God would allow a parent to abuse them, boys, how to relate to a parent who never wanted them and still lets them know they don't, boys, what it really means to live as a follower of Jesus, boys, and so many other things. (Yes, boys was repeated on that list for a reason.) At first I wanted to 'fix' the surface issues, but then I realized those stemmed from their parents' being unfaithful to teach God's Word to their children and show them the way to live as true Christians, but of course, that all started with a sin problem in both every teen and parent's heart, and I could do nothing to 'fix' any of that. I wanted most to reconcile all the parent/child relationships. I wanted to write letters to every parents letting them know what a great influence they have on their teens, and that it is THEIR duty to know and love God and to model and teach their teens how to know and love God as well-their duty-not the church's. The hardest thing to see was that so many of these girls just wanted someone to talk to and unload all their hurts and fears and frustrations and questions, and there really was no adult involved enough in their life that they trusted to talk to.
That turned my thoughts towards my own youth group. My church and the teens in it look pretty good on surface level, but I don't really 'know' many of them. How many of them are going through painful, tough times in their life, and I just don't know it? How many of them are tempted to give in to peer pressure at school and make choices they'll later regret? And the scariest, how many teens in my church totally 'get' all the moralistic teaching, but when it comes to their relationship with God and understanding of the gospel, how many of them are completely lost and don't even realize it? How many of them are under the false assumption that they can slap the label "Christian" on themselves, go to church on Sundays, then live life the rest of the week however they want? How many of them are falsely trusting in a prayer they said when they were three (and can't remember saying now) while living a life completely not in line with the gospel? My only problem with all these thoughts and the new burden I felt for teens in my church was that I didn't think my church's youth group had a need for girl leaders. I kept praying about it, though, and felt I at least had to ask.
So the night I got home, I headed off to church and told my youth pastor and his wife that I felt God was calling me to work with teens and I didn't know if I could just walk away from the summer and NOT work with teens. Long story short, they were shocked and excited because apparently, the morning before, they'd had a youth group leader meeting where my youth pastor anounced to the leaders that two of the girl leaders were stepping down from their positions as leaders and one other was only going to be able to have limited involvement due to health reasons. They needed girl leaders and sat down right then and prayed that God would begin working in someone's heart and make it impossible for them NOT to be a leader this fall. The same words they were praying are what God had already begun in my heart! God started working this all out in May when camp was looking for a tech counselor for four weeks, knowing they would need more leaders in my church's youth group this fall. Is God cool or what?
This summer was way different than I expected. It was way more challenging in way different ways than I expected, but I learned a lot. I didn't form as many friendships or have as much fun with campers as I expected. But I grew so much in my relationship with God through it all, and I can look back at the summer now with a smile on my face, thinking of so many amazing things God did and all the fun memories made in the process. I went into the summer looking for fun and friendships and watching God work in girls' lives like last year. But this wasn't last year. God possibly did more work in my life than in my girls'. My view of God is so much bigger as a result of this summer, and I now see the world in a totally new way. I probably didn't have as much fun, but the growth I experienced in its place I would not trade for anything in the world!
Workshop is supposed to be the two week training for summer where I thought you were supposed to learn eveyrthing, then go through the summer, living out that training. But Paul Gardner was right when he said that we'd learn a lot during the third week of workshop...and fourth and ninth and twelfth. The lessons God taught me didn't end after the official training ended, and I'm so grateful that I know that the work God began in my heart this summer will not leave merely because I'm home.
"Not to Him who is able to do EXCEEDINGLY abundantly above ALL that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21
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